I should attempt to ease into my posts with something that entails a soft tone instead of going straight for hard reflection. So, with that being said, here’s my attempt.
This post will be my personal reflection within myself as a person and the challenges that trailed along with it.
I’m sitting here at one of my favorite coffee shops in the Bay Area called Cafe 4, located in Castro Valley, typing out the words I can be vocal at best. Words that are not enough to express the disputes of the 2018 year. Though there were many moments where my cups of success triumphed, the other days where I felt bleak, empty, and cold convinced my brain activity in its full capacity that such feelings were to all I ever know. Every night when I would trail off to bed but could not find the comfort in rest is where my demons plagued me. This was also the year where I experienced heartbreak and rejection not once but twice in a matter of short months apart. This was also a trigger factor where I only grew to hate myself each day, persuading myself that my actions were never out of genuine love and care, but just for acceptance and confiding thus buying someone’s approval. Even if my tries were out of love and care, I feel as if they never hold up to their end of the bargain. Overall, I felt never good enough.. Though the people that do love and care about me to say that every effort I go out of my way is more than appreciated, I tell myself otherwise or I let those words of affirmation go from one ear out the other. To sum it all up, I feel worthless.
You know that saying that Master Yoda told young Anakin Skywalker, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Growing up watching the Star Wars movies, I never felt such a quote be remarkably applicable to my current life.
I don’t want to be at a constant of endless disconnect with myself and others. I don’t want to continue to see myself only immersing in self-hatred. I don’t want my suffering to be the reason for my demise. I’m sure others can concur with me on that.
So, with all this hate-instilled fuel in my post, is there a silver lining to all this gray, empty feeling, bruised and beaten up mentality that continues to take over my body? For the most part, yes. As shocking as that does sound, there is that small vision of seeing the light in the darkness. That other small part of my brain advises me that that little glimmer of hope that I will not adhere to mental slavery as I already am. That the chains and shackles bound on me will be broken and I can just finally breathe in and out that small measure of peace that I always rave about.
With the ongoing struggle that I continue to wrestle with the idea of that still lies deep down in my core I am beyond grateful for those who understand where I’m coming from with all of this. Specifically, two people that have made the most significant impact this year, Aimee, who I have mentioned countless times from previous posts and continues to support me through all the emotional rifts, and Destine, someone who I am just now introducing into my blogs.
Since this is my first time talking about Destine, I will do so in this post. She came into my life when I needed someone the most. We have grown close ever since opening up to each other even our most vulnerable parts where we have been at our lowest. So far, she is thriving in life and continues to do so with the healing power of her loved ones. Her strength, kindness, sociableness, a smile is what gives me the drive and inspiration to be at peace with myself.
Destine, thank you for everything and for listening to my nonsense. You have impacted so much wisdom, knowledge, and kindness that I cannot reach such a caliber. The magnitude of how much love I have for you is immeasurable. Carry on with the same characteristics that I know of you so well, my dear. I will continue to support you with all my being for you are a sunflower in my life. I love you dearly and unconditionally.
My goal for this upcoming 2019 year is to be on the starting point of stability with myself for the first time and make the best out of it. Through there is where I can navigate myself in discovering that small measure of peace. Though the challenges will front itself at me and little triggers will avert my attention to the negatives, I will do my best to take things one day at a time.
These are the challenges that be.