Life is a series of mishaps and fortune: where everything is of equal measure of joy and fear. I didn’t come to this kind of notion of distinct feelings until this is ultimately what I’ve been attempting to assess in actual reality and continuous effort but often I come to roadblocks that prohibit me from doing so. So, let’s analyze and do so with me.
I am a full-time student enrolled in Cal State East Bay in Hayward, CA. Here I am not only a student but working full time as a Resident Assistant and also carrying the weight of another job consisting of crackhead night shifts. Both positions are night jobs, so the limitations of freedom during the day are not so much in my favor due to classes and other priorities.
When trying to juggle seven classes, work two-night jobs, and commit to other priorities and people at the same time can be one of the most taxing hitters in life. From here, I felt very disconnected and disassociated with not only my peers but myself, mainly. Life and the world itself gave up on me, and I did as well myself. For a short period, so to speak. For some blessing in disguise, I’ve had a change of habits to outnumber the bad days. I’ve been making progress in myself to start utilizing the gym by lifting and lifting heavier. Not to mention, a sudden and massive change in a diet consisting of meat and vegetable protein and other veggies implemented as well. Water has been a consistent part of my lifestyle as well; both in detoxing and in regular. From these sudden changes, I feel better-ish, physically, mentally, and spiritually where I’m not dwelling on past thoughts, the ones that used to plague me every night. I’m sleeping more hours now, which is a good thing and feeling more recharged than in previous days. I consider these small victories that will hopefully turn into huge ones in the nearby future.
When you try to Balance Survival and Happiness, especially on an unstable health set, it becomes another burden that weighs on your shoulders. It’s heavy and comes in multiple waves where disconnect and disassociation become your new friends. Sometimes its little changes that stem from a blessing in disguise that can transition to better habits, but also being in this new mindset still can mask its true identity. Even at the happiest peak can one still face the struggles of vacantness. Balancing becomes exhausting, but I believe that in some way, shape, or form, there can be some small measure of peace that you can discover amid the chaos.